Zoolander 2 is everything the original Zoolander film wasn’t. A take off on the fashion world and it’s fashionistas and models, the original 2001 film Zoolander was funny because it parodied the world it was celebrating. And it showcased Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson as male models in a cutthroat industry was just what America needed a few weeks after 9/11. It was a box office success. Fifteen years later and we get reintroduced to the two male models and it’s a reintroduction of the worse kind.
The plot, and the jokes, go downhill from the start. The film begins with Justin Beiber (!!) being chased through the streets of Rome by a masked gunman, who eventually kills him, but not before takes several selfies with a “Blue Steel” pout on his face. It’s a look that’s been captured on the faces of other celebrities who have recently been killed. So it’s up to INTERPOL detective Melanie Valentina (Penelope Cruz) to investigate these murders. She remembers that look from years ago – it was the look that male models Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) and Hansel (Owen Wilson) were most famous for. So she tracks them down. Zoolander is grieving the horrible death of his wife (Christine Taylor) who was killed in the collapse of their building built in the shape of books and called the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff. He’s in wintry Northern New Jersey (looking like the alps), living all alone in a cabin. Hansel, meanwhile, is living in the sand dunes of Malibu, in a relationship with an orgy. Yes, he called them the orgy and it consists of 11 people, both men and women, old and young, a goat, and also Keifer Sutherland. And they all happen to be pregnant, by Hansel. But luckily for both Zoolander and Hansel Billy Zane comes knocking at their doors with an invitation by Rome-based fashion queen Alexanya Atoz (Kristen Wiig) to come to Rome to perhaps become hot again. Valentina ends up recruiting the men to infiltrate the bizarre and unusual fashion world to help put a stop to the murders. Zoolander gets reunited with his son Cyrus Arnold in Rome. Cyrus happens to be in a boarding school because Zoolander couldn’t cope taking care of him after his wife died. But Zoolander is disappointed because Arnold is fat and not good looking. The plot thickens (?) because supposedly Cyrus is embedded with the Fountain of Youth and Derek’s rival Jacobim Mugatu (Will Ferrell) wants it and will do whatever it takes to get it. Throw in cameos by lots of famous people including Sting as a priest, Kanye West, Katy Perry, Kendall Jenner, Kim Kardashian, and in a really overly stupid scene Susan Boyle. Zoolander 2 comes to a crashing end (and you will be happy when it does) when all the world’s most famous fashionistas converge on in a castle outside Rome to perform a secret ritual on Cyrus to extract the fountain of youth from him. Attending this ritual is Tommy Hilfiger, Marc Jacobs, Alexander and Very Wang (no relation), Valentino (!!) and Anna Wintour (all playing themselves, with most of them with lines to speak)! It’s one ending that couldn’t be more stupid than the rest of the film, but it is.
And who created this drivle? The blame lies entirely on Ben Stiller. He directed, co-produced and co-wrote it (along with Justin Theroux — Jennifer Aniston’s husband). They wanted to create a Da Vinci Code idea based on the fountain of youth, but it just doesn’t work. It’s a huge disappointment from the man who gave us The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I wonder if all the huge stars who participated in this film realized it was going to be this bad. Though Benedict Cumberbatch is delicious as omnisexual supermodel All and Cruz is way too sexy for her own good. Filmed entirely in Rome on a $50 million budget, Zoolander 2 is a right mess and I recommend that you give this movie a miss, and tell all your friends to do so as well.
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